For Lambert You were the one. There was no choice. From the moment I saw you…small and quiet and those green eyes - not pleading but asking…"take me home". It was you. You weren't a cute little kitten. You weren't a longhaired beauty. Just a simple, small tabby. But I had to have you. And what a drama we went through to get you. Living in an apartment that wouldn't allow pets, I still refused to let you go. Husband found a friend who owned a home and he marched into the Shelter, straight to you, said, "I want that one", completed the form, and walked out with you in hand. They must have thought it the fastest adoption ever. In the parking lot we waited…hunkered down in the car while he handed you to me waiting in the car. Your soft fur, slightly damp, against me brought me tears of happiness. I had found you, and you were mine. We drove away like thieves, smugglers. There was no guilt though. I had only taken what was mine. Then began the months of hiding you from the apartment managers. A task made all the harder because you wanted outside so badly. Sometimes you went out on the balcony, but mostly you just looked outside and longed. I recognized in your eyes the desire to be gone, to be away. You loved us, and wanted to be with us…but what we had given you wasn't what you planned. I told you about the house we were building and made promises. But with so many delays did you think I was lying? And the troubles you had. The abortion during your spaying, because we couldn't hide more cats. You ripped out the stitches…a protest of sorts, and they had to put metal ones in. They left a deep scar that we could feel…still feel I imagine. And there was you ear - a dog's ear the Vet said. Constant infections that required treatment. You were an expensive stray but you were worth every cent. Finally the house came. I tried to keep you inside for a while, but you had your own plans, and away you went. I worried and watched, so afraid of losing you forever, but you came home with a satisfied look on your face. This was it. This was what we had offered and why you'd agree to be with us. There was a deck to sleep on, or under should the rain come. And a small grove of trees to hunt mice and other creatures in...sometimes to our horror. Baby rabbits. On daughter's wedding day a chipmunk at the front door as a gift. Just a short walk away was a little farm with all sorts of animals to watch and tease. You even got in a fight with a turkey once!! There were times when you would disappear for two or three days…leaving me to stay up all night worrying. But you always came home with that look in your eyes. You had things to do. Time got away. You were made for the outdoors and you had so much to do! Just a few months after we moved in a snowfall began while you were outdoors. You didn't come home although I called, and by nightfall there were 6 inches of snow or so on the ground and it was getting so cold. Neighbors that we didn't know well yet, hadn't had time to really get to know…left their lights on, put out food and milk to tempt you and make sure you were fed at least. And then I heard you. In a storm drain that was blocked off by snow. With the help of husband and neighbors, we dug it out, got the cover off, and lowered the daughter in to get you. We were all so happy, and friendships were formed that lasted for a long while. To you it was just another adventure. One day you wandered too far in the neighborhood, and into the garage of someone who tried to be kind. Thinking you were a stray she took you to the Shelter. We put fliers up all over the neighborhood and hunted day and night. I cried. I ached without you. Then 6 days later the call came. The neighbor had seen your picture and said she took a cat like you to the shelter. BUT we had called the shelter and they had no females fitting your description. I called them again, and again they said, no females. But come and look anyway. It was nighttime, and we wouldn't be able to take you home, but we could see if it was you. And we did. There you were…marked as MALE...with a look of sorrow and yet expectation. When you saw me and I made them let me hold you, you purred quietly and my heart broke. Putting you back into the cage was so hard. I wanted to grab you and run. But when I told you we'd be back in the morning I believe you understood. You were pissed, but you'd wait. The doors opened the next day and I was there. Bringing my best friend home. Lambert. Named after one of the toughest middle linebackers in Football, Jack Lambert. But you had the sweetest temperament…. toward people. Other cats were a different subject. First Melvin came, then Zoe, and finally Shuler. Each one was treated the same - hiss, smack, ignore. You never warmed to them at all, not even tolerating their presence really. And they learned not to mess with you. Though one of the guys would pick a fight occasionally, even with your small size you won the battles. Soon they were back to walking around you…staying out of the reach of your paws. I loved you. I loved the way you purred and your eyes. I loved the way you laid on me - softly, barely there. You loved me too. I know that. And I know that you wanted to leave…to run away somewhere and find more adventures. But you were in love and you stayed. I was the one who left. Leaving you was so hard. I couldn't explain to you that my life had fallen apart. That I no longer belonged in the house with the deck and the trees in the back, it wasn't my home and never would be. That the man who you curled up with didn't love me anymore and never would again. I wanted to take you with me. At least you. I wanted all of you, but felt that husband needed you for comfort. I would have left him the other 3 and brought you, but he wanted you all. And I knew why. No you didn't like cars, but perhaps in time you would have settled in and it would have been a great adventure. What if we got to Canada and you ran away? What if I lost you on the road somewhere? And husband seemed so sad at the time, and I thought he needed you more. He promised to take care of you, and I believed he would. I'm sure he did. So I drove off in the morning without you…crying. For you, and the others. Knowing, but not admitting that I would never see you again. In Canada I made a web page about all of you and how special you were. I called you my Fairy Cats. The husband emailed me from time to time to tell me how you were. Melvin was sick. Shuler had grown. Zoe still pees in the wrong places sometimes. And Lambert…Lambert he said is just Lambert. She's getting older and doesn't wander far these days. And later, that you mostly just slept on the deck … in the sun. Then there were harsh words between the ex-husband and I, and there were no more reports on how you were. Everyone said to forget it completely. Forget the cats. You weren't mine anymore and I had to let go. I was forbidden to mention you. I couldn't write him and ask about you, and the daughter wouldn't tell me anything either. But in my heart you were as real and as mine as the first day I saw you. We belonged together. Now you are dying and I'm not with you. I am so sorry Lambert. I should be the one who holds you. I should be the one that feels you take your last breath. I should be petting you and talking to you and helping you go. I pray you aren't in pain. I want to tell you all the good things that you were…how special you were. That people loved you, even people who didn't like cats. You were so smart…and so quiet. But I knew you wanted to see more...to travel and find new places. Perhaps now you can. I hope that Wayne has you cremated and your ashes put under the lilacs. You always liked hiding under them. I prayed tonight. I asked my Mom to meet you and watch after you. She'll love you. A piece of my heart is dying with you and it will never come back. The guilt that is here because I left you, and you belonged with me. I hope you forgot me quickly. That there wasn't too much time wondering where I was and if I was coming back. I hope you didn't hurt like I hurt...missing you so very much. Die in peace Lambeau. Die knowing that I love you still, and always will. You were MY cat. My Lambeau. My Beau. My reason for going on sometimes when I felt that I was unloved and unwanted. The times you licked tears from my face and curled up beside me. You were all the love I had sometimes, and that was ok. One day perhaps, if the story comes true, I'll walk across that rainbow bridge, and there you'll be. You'll give me that look…where ya been? I'll hold you for a while, but then I'll put you down so you can start a new adventure. But we'll always meet again Lambert. Always. Goodbye for now my fairy cat. Perhaps you'll find Clifford too. He was so much like you. Tell him I said hello. Fairy Cats have hidden wings Not seen by you or I Here with us they need them not So in quiet wait they lie But comes the day the sky calls out And Fairy Cats know why And in a flash of colored wings Our Fairy Cats THEY FLY!!!!